NOVEL IX.
Master Simon, the doctor, is imposed upon by Bruno and Buffalmacco, and made to believe that he is to be one of the company of rovers, and afterwards they leave him in a ditch.
The community of wives, mentioned in the last novel, occasioned a good deal of discourse, when the queen, knowing it was her turn, began in this manner: – Well did Spinelloccio deserve what he met with from his friend Zeppa; and I think they are not to blame who put jests upon people of their own seeking, and such as they have really merited, though Pampinea was of a different opinion. Now as to Spinelloccio, what he got was no more than his due; but I purpose to speak of another, who would needs seek after it, and I commend those merry fellows for what they did. This then was a certain doctor of physic, who returned from Bologna to Florence, strutting in the robes belonging to his profession, though an ass would have become them as well as he.
Every day we see our townsmen, after they have been to study at Bologna, come back, one a lawyer, another a physician, a third a notary, with their long scarlet gowns and furs, with other mighty fine things; and to what purpose every day’s experience shows us. Amongst the rest was one Master Simon da Villa, more rich in estate than learning, who appeared in his scarlet robes and ermine, calling himself a doctor of physic, and took a house in the Via del Cocomoro. Now, this Master Simon, amongst his other notable qualities, had one which was to inquire who every person was that he saw in the street, and, as though he was to have compounded his medicines according to the different gestures and manners of people, he observed and noted all. But he had cast his eye more particularly upon two painters of whom we have twice heard mention today, – Bruno and Buffalmacco, who were always together, and lived in his neighbourhood. Noticing that they let the world wag more carelessly than other people, and were always more cheerful, he asked a great number of persons about them. Being told then by every one that they were both poor men, and painters, he could not conceive how they could possibly live so merrily in their poverty, but supposed, as they were cunning fellows, that they must have some secret way of getting money. He had a mind therefore to become acquainted with one or both of them, and so he happened to fall in with Bruno, who, soon seeing to the bottom of him, made the merest game of him that could be, whilst the doctor was always wonderfully delighted to hear him talk. Having invited him several times to dinner, and thinking upon that account that he might discourse the more freely with him, he expressed, .at length, his great wonder how he and Buffalmacco, who were both poor, could yet be so cheerful, and desired to know how they managed in that case. Bruno could not help laughing to himself, to hear the doctor put such a simple question, and resolved to give him a suitable answer.
“There are many people, master,” he said, “that I would never tell that to, but as you are a friend, and I know will keep it secret, I shall be less scrupulous with you. It is true we live as merrily as you imagine, or perhaps more so, and yet all we earn or possess will hardly find us salt to our broth, and I hope you do not think we steal: no, we go a roving, and bring home with us everything we can desire; and thus it comes to pass that we live so merrily as you observe.” The doctor wondered what this going a roving could mean, and desired he would inform him, assuring him that he would never reveal the secret. “Alas, Master Doctor,” quoth the other, “what a request is this! It is too great a secret, and I shall be ruined if I disclose it.” – “You may depend upon what I say,” quoth the doctor, “it shall never go farther for me.” Bruno then, after making abundance of excuses, said, “Behold, master, the regard I have for your superexcellent understanding, and the confidence I repose in you is such, that I can deny you nothing; therefore I will tell you, if you will swear to me, as you have just now promised, never to reveal it.” The doctor swore, and swore again.
“You must know then, my dear master,” quoth he, “that there was lately a necromancer in this city called Mr. Michael Scotus, because he was a Scotchman, who had great honour shown him by many of the gentry, few of whom are now living; and he, being about to quit this place, at their request left it in charge with two of his disciples, that they should always be ready to serve those people who had honoured him. Some, therefore, they obliged in their love-affairs, and some in other matters. At last, being taken with the city, and the manners of the people, they resolved to make it their place of residence, when they contracted a friendship with divers persons, such as were agreeable to their own tempers, without considering whether those people were rich or poor at that time: and to please those friends they established a new society of five and twenty persons, who were to meet in some place that was fixed upon by them, twice at least in each month, when every one was to say what he wanted, and they supplied him with it that very night. Now my friend and I, as a particular mark of favour to us, were admitted into this society. And it is wonderful to behold the costly furniture in the room where we sit, the tables spread in the most royal manner, with the great number of goodly servants, both men and women, at every one’s command; the basins, flagons, and cups also both of gold and silver, out of which we eat and drink, and the great variety and plenty of victuals which are set before us. It is impossible for me to tell you what different musical instruments there are, and the delightful melody that we hear; or what numbers of wax candies are burnt at one of these feasts, any more than the immense quantities of sweet-meats consumed, and the very rich wines which are drunk. Now, I would not have you suppose, my dear friend, that we appear in the same dress that you behold. No, there is, not one of us that seems less than an Emperor, so richly are we attired.
“But of all our pleasures, that of having the ladies’ company is the greatest, and they are brought to us, according to every one’s desire, from all quarters of the world. There
you may see the great lady of Barbanicchia, the Queen of Baschia, the wife of the great Sultan, the Empress of Osbech, the Ciancianfera of Norvecca, the Semistante of Berlinzone, and the Scalpedra of Narsia. But what need have I to recount so many? There are all the queens in the world, even to Prester John’s lady. Then observe now: after we have eaten and drunk, and taken a dance or two, every one selects that particular lady whom he had desired should be sent for: and you must know that the chambers we retire to are a perfect paradise, and no less odoriferous than a perfumer’s shop; the beds also that we lie in, are as beautiful as the very best that belongs to the duke of Venice. You may judge then of our happiness. But none seem to fare better at these times than my friend and I; for he generally has the queen of France, and I have the queen of England, who are the two most beautiful ladies in the whole world, and they like no other persons as well as us. Imagine, therefore, if we have not reason to be merry more than other people; for, besides having the affection of two such queens, if we want a thousand or two thousand florins at any time, they immediately supply us. And this we call going a roving; for as the corsairs rob and plunder every one they meet, so do we, with this difference only, that they make no restitution, which we do as soon as the money has served our purpose. Thus I have told you, master, what we mean by going a roving; you may easily see how great a secret it is, and so I need say no more to you upon that head.”
The doctor, whose knowledge reached no further, perhaps, than to cure children of the itch, gave the same credit to this story as he would have done to the most established truth, and became as desirous of being admitted into this society, as he could have been of anything in the world: so he told Bruno, that he did not wonder to see him so cheerful, and could scarcely refrain from asking the favour of being accepted among them, deferring it only till he could do it with a better grace. From that time, therefore, he was continually inviting him to dine and sup; and their intimacy was such, that the doctor scarcely knew how to live without him. Not to seem ungrateful for these favours, Bruno painted in his hall the whole story of Lent, and an Agnus Dei over his chamber-door, and a urinal over the door to the street, that people who wanted his advice might know where to have it. He painted also, in a little gallery, the battle of the cats and the rats, which the doctor thought a pretty fancy. And some nights, when he happened to sup elsewhere, he would say at his return, “I was last night at our meeting, when, being displeased with the Queen of England, I ordered the Gumedra of the great Cham of Tartary. to be brought me.” – “Pray, what does that word mean?” quoth the doctor; “I do not understand such names.” – “I do not wonder at that,” said Bruno; “for Porcograsso and Vannacena take no notice of them.” – “You mean,” quoth the doctor, “Ipocrasso and Avicenna.” – “Very likely; but I know as little of those names as you know of mine. Gumedra means the same thing in the grand Cham’s language as Empress! O! you would think her a fine woman; she would soon make you forget all your recipes and your plasters.”
Talking frequently in this manner, to excite him the more, and the doctor thinking, one night as he held the candle for him whilst he was painting, that he was now under sufficient obligations to grant any favour he should desire, he resolved to open his mind, as they were alone. “Bruno,” he said, “there is nobody that I value so much as yourself; nor is there anything you could ask, but what I should be ready to oblige you in; then be not surprised at my making one request to you. You know not long since, you were telling me of your meetings; now there is nothing I desire so much as to make one amongst you, and for a very good reason; for I will bring the prettiest girl into your company that you have seen a long time, to whom I have devoted my entire love, and you must know I once offered her ten pieces, and she refused them. Tell me then, I pray you, what I must do to be admitted, and do you take care that I be so, and I promise that you shall always find me your true and trusty friend. You may observe what a good-looking man I am, how well I am set up on my legs; my face is like a rose, and I am a doctor of physic too, and perhaps you have none of that profession among you; moreover I know a great many pretty things, and can sing divers pretty songs, as you shall hear.” Then he began one, whilst Bruno had much ado to keep his countenance, and after he had done, he asked him what he thought of it. “Most certainly,” replied he, “the best violin is no way comparable.” “Then,” quoth the doctor, “to this and many other qualifications, too tedious to relate at present, I may add, that my father was a gentleman, though he lived in a country village, and my mother of the Vallecchio family. Besides, there is no physician in Florence has better clothes, or more complete library than myself; and I give you my word, that if you be sick at any time, I will cure you for nothing.” Bruno, to make him believe that he was more intent upon his painting, replied, “Pray, sir, snuff the candle, and let me finish this rat’s tail, and then I will talk with you.”
When the tail was finished, he put on a look as if the doctor’s request had much perplexed him, and said, “Oh, sir, I have received great favours from you, and I know it; but this thing you require of me is a most serious matter. There is nobody that I would serve sooner that yourself, but indeed you ask more than lies within my power. But though I cannot directly oblige you in what you desire, yet if you would keep it a profound secret, I could put you into a method whereby I am very sure you will succeed.” – “Then tell me,” quoth the doctor; “you do not know how well I can keep a secret; Signor Guasparruolo da Saliceto, when he was a judge, intrusted me with many things.” – “Well,” quoth Bruno, “if he trusted you, I may do it more securely. The means you are to use are as follows: we have a captain and two counsellors, who are chosen every six months; and next Christmas Buffalmacco will certainly be the captain, and I one of the counsellors. Now it is in the captain’s power to admit you, if he pleases, therefore you should immediately get acquainted with him. I know he will be very fond of you, as he is of all men of understanding; and after you have been often in his company, and ingratiated yourself with him, you may then ask the favour, and he will not know how to refuse you. I have given him a good account of you already, and he has conceived a great regard for you; and when you have done as I said, you may leave the rest to me.” – “You say well,” quoth the doctor, “if he delights in people of sense and learning, he will not miss of his aim: I have enough of both to furnish a whole city, and yet leave sufficient for myself.” When the matter was thus arranged, Bruno went and related the whole to Buffalmacco, who thought it an age till he could let the doctor have what he sought for. On the other hand, the doctor, who was so eager to be a rover, found it no hard matter to get acquainted with him; and he began to treat the two friends, both noon and night, with everything that was nice and dainty, so that they lived entirely upon him; telling him, at the same time, that it was a favour they would show to nobody else. At length, when he thought it a fit time, he made the same request to Buffalmacco that he had done before to Bruno, whereat the former seemed much incensed, and made a great clamour at his friend, threatening to break his head for betraying those secrets to the doctor. But the doctor did all he could to excuse him, protesting that he had it from another person.
On this, Buffalmacco seemed a little more pacified, and said, “Dear doctor, I plainly see you have been at the university, and know how to keep your mouth shut upon occasion; and I farther tell you, that you have not learned your A, B, C, in the manner most blockheads do: moreover, if I am not mistaken, you were born on a Sunday; and though Bruno tells me that your study has been physic, yet to me it seems as if you had learned to captivate men, which you do by your great sense, and manner of speaking, far beyond any that I ever heard.” Here the doctor interrupted him, and said, turning to Bruno, “This it is to have to do with people of understanding; there are few persons that could have penetrated into the depth of my designs so easily as this worthy man has done. You did not take my meaning half so soon; but let him know what I said upon your telling me that he delighted in people of sense. Do not you think I spoke truth at that time ?” “No doubt,” replied the other. Then said he to Buffalmacco, “What would you have said, had you seen me at Bologna, where were none, either great or small, doctor or scholar, but doated on me, so much did they profit by my wise discourses? Nay, more than that, I never spoke but they all laughed, so highly were they pleased to hear me. And when I came away, they expressed the greatest concern imaginable at parting with me, and to encourage me to continue with them, offered me the sole privilege of reading lectures on medicine to all the students. But I refused it, being resolved to come and live here upon my estate, which is very considerable.” – “Well,” said Bruno to his friend, “what think you now? You would not believe me when I told you that there was not a physician in all this country could cast an ass’s water better than himself; nor is there his fellow, I will maintain it, from this place to Paris. Now, try your best, and see if you can deny him anything.” – “Bruno is quite in the right,” quoth the doctor; “but here nobody knows me; they are all a parcel of ignorant, stupid people; but I wish you had seen how I appeared among the doctors.” – “Indeed, master doctor,” quoth Buffalmacco, “you know a great deal more than I could have thought; in which respect, speaking to you as becomes me to a person of your understanding and parts, I dare assure you that you shall be one of our society.” This promise made him increase his favours towards them, and they were extremely diverted with his great simplicity, promising that he should have the Countess di Civillari (*1: This means no more than a common jakes) for his mistress, who was the goodliest and sweetest creature in the whole world. The doctor asked what countess this was. “O,” quoth Buffalmacco, ” She is a very great lady, and there are few houses but where she has some jurisdiction. Her officers are all about, and store of her great barons are to be seen everywhere, namely, Tamagnin (*2: These are all different words for the same thing, ) della Porta, Don Meta, Manico di Scopa, and the rest, whose names have escaped me. You shall leave your old mistress, then, for this lady, of whom we will give you the full possession.”
Now the doctor, who had been brought up at Bologna, understood not the meaning of these Florentine terms, and so was pleased with the hopes of enjoying what they had promised him. In a little time they brought him the news of his being admitted. The day, therefore, that they were to have their meeting, he had them both to dine with him, and after dinner he asked them in what manner he had best go to this assembly. Buffalmacco replied, “It behoves you, master, to proceed resolutely, otherwise you may receive an impediment, and do us great injury. Now you shall hear in what manner I would have you do so. You must contrive to be upon one of those raised tombs in the new St. Maria’s church-yard, at the time of the people’s going to sleep, with your best gown on, in order to make a figure amongst us at your first appearance, and to verify our character of you to the countess, who intends to make you a knight of the bath, at her own expense. There you must wait till we send for you. And, that you may be apprised of everything, I must acquaint you that there will be a black-horned beast, of no great stature, come for you, capering and dancing about to terrify you; but, after he finds you are not to be daunted, he will gently come near you, when you may descend from the tomb, and, without thinking of heaven, or any of the saints, mount boldly upon his back, and, as soon as you shall be seated, lay your hands upon your breast, without touching him: he will then move easily along and bring you to us; but if you mention anything of a prayer, or express the least fear, he will throw you down into some noisome place or other; so that you had better not attempt it, unless you can depend upon your own courage; for you may do us a great deal of mischief, and yourself no good.” “You do not know me yet,” said the doctor; “because I wear a gown you think me faint-hearted. If you did but know what I have done some nights at Bologna, when I went with some of my companions to visit the girls there, you would be surprised. One night, I assure you, I met with a little young baggage, who refused to go along with us, when I dragged her by force a considerable way, and afterwards she went willingly enough. Another time, I remember, having nobody with me but my boy, that I went through the friar’s church-yard, after evening prayers, though a woman had been buried there that night, and was not at all afraid. Never fear, therefore, but I will be as courageous and resolute as you can desire. To do you the greater honour, too, I intend to go in the scarlet robes in which I commenced doctor, and you will see what joy there will be in your assembly at my coming, and if I shall not go near to be immediately declared your captain. You shall see also how the case will go after I have made my appearance, in regard to the countess, who, having as yet never seen me, is so enamoured with me, that she will make me a knight of the bath; and as to supporting the honour, that you may leave to me.” – “Very well spoken,” said Buffalmacco; “but take care you do not impose upon us, and so not come at all, or be not found there when we send for you; and I give you this caution because the weather is cold, and you doctors love to take care of yourselves.” – “No,” quoth the doctor, “I am one of those hardy ones that have no regard for the weather, and if I have occasion to rise in the night, I only put a fur gown over my doublet; so you need make no doubt about it.”
As soon as they were departed, and it was night, he made some excuse or other to his wife, and got away his best gown, which he put on when he thought it was the time, and went and stood upon one of the grave-stones, it being a very cold night, expecting the beast; whilst Buffalmacco, who was pretty lusty, had procured a mask, such as they used formerly in farces, and covered himself with a black fur gown, which was turned inside out, so that he seemed like a bear, only that as his mask had two horns, he had more the appearance of the devil. Thus equipped, he went to the square by new St. Maria’s, Bruno following at a distance, to see how things went on. As soon as Buffalmacco found that his doctor was there, he fell a skipping about, and roaring as if he were mad, which put our physician into a most terrible fright, and he began to wish heartily that he was safe at home again. But as he was come out upon this affair, he resolved to go through with it, so urgent was his desire to behold the wonders which they had been relating to him. At last, after Buffalmacco had played his tricks for some time, he grew a little more quiet, and drew near to the stone where the doctor stood keeping himself well out of harm’s way. He shook all over for fear, and was in doubt for some time whether he should mount or not; till, apprehending that some mischief might befall him if he did not, this latter fear expelled the former, and coming down from the tomb, he mounted upon the beast, praying God to help him, and laid his hands upon his breast, as he had been directed.
Buffalmacco then began to shape his course towards St. Maria della Scala, and thence carried the doctor, groping all the way in the dark, as far as the ladies of Ripole. Hereabouts were divers ditches, made by the husbandmen, to empty the Countess di Civilian into, for the sake of manuring their lands afterwards. Buffalmacco then, being come to the brink of one of them, and putting his hand under one of the doctor’s feet, pitched him headlong in; and then, after making a terrible noise, stamping and roaring about, he went back by St. Maria della Scala, towards Prato d’Ogni Santi, where he met with Bruno, who had been forced to leave him, because he could not hold from laughing; and both turned back once more, to see how the poor doctor would behave in that condition. The unlucky candidate for admission to the company of Rovers, finding himself in such a place, laboured with all his might to get released; but falling sometimes on one side, and sometimes on the other, he was besmeared all over, till at length, with the utmost difficulty, he made shift to scramble out with the loss of his hood. Then he cleaned himself as well as he could, and not knowing what other course to take, he went home, and knocked at the door till they let him in. The door was no sooner shut again, than Bruno and Buffalmacco were there listening, to hear what a reception the doctor would meet with from his wife, who fell upon him with all the bad language she could devise, saying, “You are in a fine condition, truly! – What, you have been with some other woman, and so had a mind to make a figure in your scarlet robes! – Am not I enough for you? I wish you had been choked when you fell into all that nastiness. Here is a fine physician, indeed! who is not content with his own wife, but must be running out at night after other women.” With these and such like words she rated him till midnight, when she had him washed and made clean.
The next morning Bruno and Buffalmacco came to his house with their bodies all painted over with blue spots, as if they had been beaten, when they found him just risen out of bed, and everything in a sad condition. Seeing them coming, he went and wished them a good morning; but they appeared to be much out of temper, and replied, “We wish you had been hanged for a sorry man as you are; we have been near losing our lives, meaning to do you honour, being beaten like two asses, and in danger of being excluded our assembly, where we would have had you introduced. If you will not believe us, behold our bodies; “so taking him into a corner, where there was not much light, they just opened their bosoms for him to see, and immediately buttoned them up again. The doctor endeavoured to excuse himself, and was telling them of his misfortunes, and where he had been thrown; when Buffalmacco blurted out, “I wish you had been thrown from the bridge into the river; what had you to do with prayers? Were not you told of that beforehand?” – “Indeed,” quoth he, “I used no prayers.” – “How do you say! no prayers!”answered the others; “I am sure our messenger told us, that you prayed, and trembled like an aspen leaf. We will never be served so again, either by you or any one else; nor must you expect ever any more to have such favour showed you.” The doctor now began to ask pardon, entreating them not to be angry; and, lest they should expose him, by making the affair public, he entertained them at his house more than ever. And thus our doctor was taught something more than he had learned at Bologna.